The Rubaiyat of Armour Khayyam

The Rubaiyat of Armour Khayyam.
511.5

Our own and inimitable Wallace Irwin is guilty of
writing a parody on Omar Khayyam to the theme of the
beef trust. He claims originality in the invention, and
has applied for letters patent. Irwin follows the
originalquite closely, as may be seen by a casual glance over the
following fragment:

Methinks the Lion and the Lawyer keep
The Courts where Ogden gloried in his sheep,
And Teddy the great Hunter-that Wild Ass
Stamps on his head, yet cannot break his sleep.

Even Joe Cannon lifts a mild harangue
Against Bad Beef-condemns the whole Sheebang,
His patriotic motives being thus: To save his skin and stand in with the Gang.

The Learned Pig who, hither hurried hence,
Drops in the Chute and goes from Whither Whence,
Soon in his travels may learn how They make
Pate de foie gras at a slight expense.

The Pig that can with logie absolute
The seven and twenty Scientists refute,
Whom certain Alchemists can in a trice
To Buttons, Glue and Chewing Gum transmute.

But what of Those, the loveliest and the best,
Who into Breakfast Sausages are pressed?
They squeal a moment ere the dim Ferash
Strikes, and prepares them for another Guest.

And many a Boarding House whose tender Prune
Invites to Conversation opportune,
There may the Feaster bow his head and say
Grace before Meat, “Lord, render us Immune !”

And as the simple Devotee to Steak
Reflects upon the Progress of the Rake,
Can he recall “The Jungle” and be calm—-
What! did the hand then of the Boarder shake?

And as I linger in some Gilt Hotel
(The Bill of Fare’s in French, and it is well),
I often wonder what the Packers buy
Half so suspicious as the Stuff they sell.

O my Dyspeptic, clear the Plate that cheers
The in indigestive Dreamer of his fears!
Eat hearty—-and To-morrow you may be
Yourself with Yesterday’s Seven Thousand Years.

And when at last, through Sausages and Fate,
You, too, may gather at the Pearly Gate
And in your heavenly voyaging speak of What
Goes forth in Cans—-turn down an empty Plate.