Misrepresentative Women

Misrepresentative Women
1482

I should like to remark that Dame Rumor
Is the most unalluring of jades;
She has little or no sense of humor,
And her fables are worse than George Ade’s-
(Or rather, I mean, if the reader prefers,
That the fables of Ade are much better than hers)

Her appearance imbues one with loathing,
From her jaundiced, malevolent eyes
To the tinsel she cares to call clothing,
Which is merely a patchwork of lies
For her garments are such that a child could see through,
And her blouse (need I add?) is the famed Peek- a-boo!

She is wholly devoid of discretion,
She is utterly wanting in tact,
She’s a gossip by trade and profession,
And she much prefers fiction to fact
She is seldom veracious, and always unkind,
And she flits to and fro with the speed of the wind

With a step that is silent and stealthy,
Or an earsplitting clamor and noise,
She disturbs the repose of the wealthy,
Or the peace that the pauper enjoys;
And, however securely the doors may be shut,
She can always gain access to palace or hut

Where the spinsters at tea are collected,
Her arrival is hailed with delight;
She is welcomed, adored and respected
In each newspaper office at night;
For her presence imprints an original seal
On an otherwise commonplace journal or meal

She has nothing in common with Virtue,
And with Truth she was never allied;
If she hasn’t yet managed to hurt you,
It can’t be from not having tried!
For the poison of adders is under her tongue,
And you’re lucky indeed if you’ve never been stung

Are you statesman, or author, or artist,
With a perfectly blameless career?
Are your talents and wits of the smartest,
And your conscience abnormally clear?
“He’s a saint!” says Dame Rumor, and smiles like the Sphinx
“He’s a hero!” She adds: “What a pity he drinks!”

Gentle Reader, keep clear of her clutches!
Oh, beware of her voice, I entreat!
Be you journalist, dowager duchess,
Or just merely the Man-in-the-Street
And I beg of you not to encourage a jade
Who when once she is started can never be stayed!